IwannaBGattuso
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Frankie Boyle - quotesThis man is a legend
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
Apparently in America they’re building a bit tower on the site of the September 11th called Freedom Tower and they’re thinking of ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just built a giant mosque. Nobody’s going to fly into that, are they? Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be if you hi-jacked a plane and then had to make a textbook landing?
Apparently the guards put sperm in Paris Hilton’s porridge when she was in prison. That’s got to be horrible for her. “Eurgh! There’s porridge in this!”
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
If Tim Henman had won Wimbledon it would have been so weird it would have torn a hole in our normality. Oh, Henman’s won, * and here to present the trophy is Winston Churchill with the head of a bee.
I read a woman’s valentines magazine the other day and saw an article entitled ‘How to know what’s going through the man in your life’s mind as he’s choosing your present”. It was a surprisingly long article, which at no point featured the words “This’ll do! A giant Toblerone, she’ll love that!”
My problem, as people keep shouting out in the streets, is that I look like one of The Proclaimers. But then I grew a beard, and now everyone shouts "pedophile"! Why do pedophiles always have beards and glasses? What is it about that look that children find so sexy?
People are worried about the new cohabiting laws because they’ll have the same rights as married couples, and it means they might lose their stuff. Except I’m in quite a strong position because my stuff’s shit and I’d quite happily trade it for two years of sex. Oxfam wouldn’t take my CD collection. If someone was going to hump me for two years, they could have the fucking record player.
Pregnant women are going to get £120 to buy fruit and vegetables. Although, obviously, they’ll all spend it on a prostitute for their partners so they don’t have to take it up the arse for nine months. People are going to start pretending to be pregnant and will end up hiring dwarves with potholing experience.
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
The weather in Scotland changes people. You’ll notice that not a lot of people have wind chimes in their house. Also, the winter is a terrible time for Scottish men to get laid because Scottish women wear so many clothes. You know how that in movies a man’s sexual passage is when he undoes the woman’s bra strap, in Scotland it’s the first button you get undone on their duffel coat. Just another two to go! Then I’ve got my hands on that fleece! Layers and layers! Having a gang bang in Scotland is like playing pass the parcel!
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.
The east end of Glasgow is already like the Olympics. Lots of people wandering around struggling to speak English wearing tracksuits.
There’s loads of controversy over gay adoption. Where’s the controversy? I’d have loved to have a gay dad. Do you remember all that stuff at school like “Oh, my dad will batter your dad” “No, my dad will batter your dad”. Hey! Listen! My dad will shag your dad! And your dad will enjoy it.
They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon. It’s good that they’re holding the Olympics in the east end of London. It means they’ll have to use extra skill to decide which of the gun fires heard was the starting pistol.
They’re saying that the whole thing with school is that it’s never going to be as stimulating as life now? Because they’ve got blockbuster movies and video games. There’s no way that school can be as interesting as Tekken. “Sir, why have you got the head of a leopard?” “Quiet, boy! Fireball!”
They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to wake anybody up!
This guy had a sex change operation and had everything chopped off. Then he decided he didn’t like it and he wanted to go back but they wouldn’t let him. So he went all the way to the European court and eventually they said “Okay, you can have it reversed” and now he’s changed his mind again. But you’re reading that and thinking; Typical woman.
Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.
What was it doing in London? It’s the Tour De France! It’s like the fucking Eskimo Olympics turning up or something. What the fuck held me up for a fucking hour, what’s going on? And they went “the Tour De France!” What, here, in fucking London?! Hundreds of guys shooting past me like sponsored sperm.
Why is it that if Harry Potter is so magical why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid? If he was a real teenage boy he wouldn’t need a broom to cling onto.
(On the subject of speeding cameras) I think that the anti-speeding advert should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day
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